Renewal
by bcsm
Summary: Season 4, picks up directly following the last scene in "Kill Shot." After Beckett's breakthrough with Dr. Burke, she finally feels hopeful about her future and impulsively calls Castle. What follows is an evening, unlike any they have ever had. There is laughter, honesty, a secret's unveiling, some angst and some romance too. I own nothing connected to Castle, I just love it so!
1. Chapter 1

Beckett left Dr. Burke's office feeling a little drained, but also more hopeful then she had in a very long time. Despite having just gone though the most difficult week she had experienced since her shooting, she felt a sense of renewal, The intense PTSD she had just dealt with, had completely broken her down, but hitting rock bottom, had also forced her to make a decision about the direction her life was going. With a little guidance from Dr. Burke, she was finally able to see a glimpse of the sun, through the formidable clouds, which had blocked it from her view, since her mother's murder.

"I want to be more then who I am." she just told Dr. Burke and she meant it. Beckett was ready to reclaim the woman she was born to be. She knew that she had some tough work ahead of her, in order to accomplish this. However, the fact that she had finally made the desicion, not to let the tragedy of her mother's death, dictate how she lived her life anymore, was a huge first step for her.

She slid her key into her front door and stepped into her apartment. The memory of two nights ago, when in the throws of a terrifying PTSD episode, she had downed way to much alcohol and sliced up her arm, were painfully fresh in her mind. She didn't want any negativity from her past, recent or otherwise, to taint her new found feelings of hope. There was a part of her that was exhausted, but she also knew that she didn't want to spend the evening sitting alone in her apartment. It would be far too easy to let her mind drift into those, all too familiar, oppressive places and she so desperately wanted to put all of that behind her.

She glanced around her living room. Her eyes settled on a copy of Heat Wave which was sitting on her coffee table. She had pulled it off her bookshelf last night. Though she would never admit it to Castle, she would often reread certain passages of the Heat books, usually the Nikki and Rook parts. Castle's words had always provided her with an escape when she needed one. They had been a source of comfort for her, long before she ever knew him personally. Her thoughts turned to Castle. He had been so supportive this past week, not pushing and giving her some space, while at the same time making sure she got what she needed, to be strong and get through everything. Espo had told her today after Castle left, that Castle had been the first one to notice how serious her condition was getting and had asked Espo to try and help her. She smiled at the thought of him. The last thing he said to her today before leaving the precinct was "Always." The word had morphed into term of endearment between them and ever since her shooting and Castle's confession of love, in her mind, it seemed to hold even more weight, whenever he said it.

Without really thinking, Beckett pulled her phone out of her pocket and before she had time to analyze what she was about to do, she dialed Castle's number.

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Castle had left the precinct earlier, feeling better then he had in many days. He had been so worried about Beckett this past week, but today, she seemed to resemble herself again. She had been able to successfully close out the sniper case and conquer the PTSD that had momentarily crippled her. It had been distressing to see her in so much pain, but when she thanked him today, as he was leaving the 12th, he knew that she was feeling better, and for that he was truly grateful. He had a chapter due on his latest Nikki Heat novel, but for days now, he hadn't been able to focus on writing. It was impossible for him to be creative, when Beckett, his Nikki, was going through such a difficult time. Now that she seemed to be doing better, Castle felt reenergized and had been busy writing for the past few hours. Just as he was stretching back in his chair and giving his fingers a small break, his phone rang. He reached over and grabbed it, expecting it to be Alexis, but was surprised to see that it was Beckett calling.

"Beckett hi." he said, as he answered his phone.

"Hi." she replied, a tiny bit in shock that she had actually called him.

"Is everything alright?" Castle asked in a worried tone.

He was concerned that maybe she wasn't feeling well again. After wrapping up the paperwork on the sniper case, Beckett was off duty for a couple of days, so Castle knew she couldn't be calling about a new murder.

"What…oh yeah..no everything's fine." Beckett replied, "Better then fine actually." she added.

"Oh, well that's great Beckett." he said relieved, then added, "I'm happy to hear that."

He was definitely glad she sounded so positive, but he was still a little perplexed about her call. It's not like they spent a lot of time, just chatting on the phone. He waited for her to say something in return and when she didn't, he asked tentatively,

"So, is that why you called?"

"Sort of." Beckett said, sounding confused herself.

She took a deep breath, having called him, with no plan whatsoever, she was rapidly trying to gather her thoughts, before she made a complete fool of herself.

"Listen Castle," she said, before pausing briefly and swallowing hard.

"I…..well, I was wondering if you had any plans this evening?" she finally managed to utter.

Beckett felt her heart start to thump in her chest.

"Plans, no….I have no plans tonight." he answered, as a grin started to spread across his face.

"Actually, I've been writing non stop, since I left the precinct and quite frankly, I could use a break." he added.

"Well in that case, would you…..would you like to grab a burger with me?" she asked, somewhat timidly.

Castle felt his own heart start to beat a little faster. Then, with a nervous little laugh, he said,

"When have you ever known me to turn down a burger?" he paused briefly, then quickly added,

"Sure, I'd love to join you."

"Okay good." she said.

"Good." he repeated.

"So, do you want to meet at Remys around 8:00?" Beckett asked, still feeling her rapid heartbeat.

"Sounds like a plan." he answered.

"Great, so I'll see you soon then." said Beckett.

"See you soon." he replied, then added, "Bye."

Castle slowly pressed end on his phone, as Martha walked into his office.

"Richard, I'm going to order in some Japanese food. Can I get you anything?" she asked.

"I'm sorry, what?" he asked, as he stared at his phone.

"I'm ordering some Japanese food. Would you like any?" She repeated, looking at him with a quizzical expression.

"Um, thank you, but I'll pass." he said.

He paused for a moment, still trying to wrap his head around what had just happened, then he looked up at Martha.

"I'm kind of having a hard time believing it, but Beckett just called and actually asked me to join her for dinner tonight." Castle said, unable to contain a smile.

"Oh my…a dinner date with Katherine, well, that's wonderful." Martha replied, smiling back at her son, well aware of what this meant to him.

"Well, I don't know if it's a date necessarily," Castle responded "I mean, I guess it could be? But, in any case, the fact that she wants to spend some time with me outside of work….well, that has to be a good sign, right?" he questioned.

"Darling, do yourself a favor and don't analyze." Martha quickly replied, "Just go and enjoy."

"Right." Castle said, nodding his head in agreement, then he added,

"Thank you Mother."

He stood up, kissed Martha on the cheek and excused himself, so he could go get ready.

xxxxxxxxx

Beckett pressed end on her phone and stared at it for a moment, feeling a little bit panicky. Everything had happened so fast. She had acted completely impulsively and now she had plans to meet Castle for dinner, a dinner which she initiated. It's okay, it's fine, she told herself. They had shared meals before. Castle was her partner and her friend. She had just gone though an incredibly tough week, topped off with a personal breakthrough today and she didn't want to spend the evening alone in her apartment, so she called a friend. There was nothing wrong with that, plus there was no one who could put a smile on her face and make her laugh like Castle could, and after the week she just had, she really could use some laughs tonight. There was no harm in spending a few hours with him outside of work? Right? She glanced back to the copy of Heat Wave on her coffee table. No, this is good, she thought. This is how she wanted to spend her evening. It was about time she got out of her own way, and allowed herself the chance to live her life the way she wanted, the way she deserved. She put down her phone. Then she pulled her hair out of the pony tail that she had worn all day and walked into her bedroom to get ready for dinner.

 _Thank you so much for reading chapter 1 of Renewal!_


	2. Chapter 2

Castle was the first to arrive at Remys. He got them a booth and sat facing the door, so he could see Beckett when she arrived. He felt a little nervous, but told himself that there really was no reason to be. This was Beckett after all, the person, aside from his mother and Alexis, who he had spent the most time with, over the past three and a half years. He tried very hard to forget about the small, little detail, that he was madly in love with her and she had just called and invited him to dinner. He pulled out his phone and decided to try and distract himself by playing a little Angry Birds. After a couple of rounds, he glanced up just in time to see Beckett entering the restaurant. He put his phone away and raised his hand up. She saw him, smiled and started making her way over to the booth. Castle stood up as she approached,

"Hey." Beckett said.

"Hey." he said in return.

He remained standing until she slid into her side of the booth.

"Sorry, I'm a little late." she said, "I had trouble finding a cab."

"No worries, I haven't been here long." he assured her, as he sat back down.

They stared at each other for a moment, neither one, seemingly sure about what to say next. Beckett spoke first.

"So Castle, thank you for joining me tonight." she said, before pausing for a moment.

"I'm sure you were somewhat surprised to get my call." she added, still a little surprised herself, that she had actually made the call.

"I guess I was, a little," Castle replied, "but it certainly was a pleasant surprise." he added with a smile.

Beckett felt her cheeks flush ever so slightly and she gave him a quick smile in return, then she looked down for a moment. For some reason she felt like she needed to offer Castle some sort of explanation and said,

"You know, after the week I had, I….well, I just didn't think spending the evening alone in my apartment was a such a good idea."

"Beckett, whatever the reason, I'm glad you called me." Castle reassured her. "I hope you know by now, that I'm always here for you."

"Yes, I do know that." she replied with a smile, as the waitress walked up to their booth.

"Hi folks, welcome to Remys." she said, while handing them menus. "Can I start you off with some drinks?" she asked.

Beckett looked at Castle and said,

"Hmm, I don't know if I want a milkshake or a beer."

Castle smiled and suggested,

"Why can't we have both? Let's start out with beers, then maybe have shakes for desert."

"Okay, that sounds good." said Beckett, then she asked, "Do you need to look at the menu or do you know what you want to order already?"

They were both pretty familiar with Remys menu.

"I'm all set, how about you?" he asked.

Beckett looked up at the waitress, handed her the menu and said,

"I'll have a draft beer and a California burger please."

"Very good, and for you sir?" the waitress asked Castle.

"I'll have a draft beer as well and the Chicago cheeseburger, oh and can we also get a side of your seasoned curly fries please." Castle asked.

"Sure thing." said the waitress, "I'll be right back with your beers." she added, as she turned and left their booth.

Castle focused his attention back towards Beckett. Her hair was down and wavy, a sharp contrast to the pulled back ponytail she had worn most of the week. She looked absolutely beautiful. Honestly, she was always beautiful, hair up, hair down, hair short or long, it didn't matter to him, but the truth was, even though she had seemed more like herself earlier today at the precinct, the strain of the past week had been visible on her face. He didn't however, see any sign of that strain, as she sat across from him now. He was curious.

"So Beckett," he said, "When we spoke on the phone you told me that everything was "better than fine." Care to elaborate on that?" he asked.

Beckett bit her lower lip for a moment, then said,

"I did say that, didn't I?"

Castle nodded his head.

Considering what she had just gone through, Beckett could understand why Castle was questioning that statement. She hadn't really thought about how much she wanted to reveal to Castle tonight, but given the fact that she a made the decision to change the way she was living her life, she figured, opening up to Castle a little, would be good start. She thought for a second then said,

"One of the requirements to me being reinstated on the force, after my shooting, was to be evaluated by a therapist."

"Okay, I assume that's standard protocol." Castle replied.

"It is." she said, "But after I completed my required sessions and got the all clear for active duty, I made the decision to continue seeing my therapist."

"Really." Castle said, as their waitress came back with their beers. They thanked her, then Castle added.

"I guess I'm a little surprised to hear that, given that you are one of the most fiercely independent individuals I have ever met."

It was a decent description of her, she thought, then she said with a chuckle,

"Yeah, your partner who thinks she's capable of leaping tall buildings in a single bound." referencing Castle's earlier comment at the precinct."

"Exactly," he agreed with a little laugh. "But then if you also recall, the next words out of my mouth were, carries the weight of the world on her shoulders." he paused for a moment then added,

"In all seriousness though, I really think it's great that you decided to accept help, with removing some of that weight from your shoulders."

"Thanks." Beckett said, as she nodded her head in agreement.

Castle lifted his beer and moved it towards her.

"Cheers." he said.

"Cheers." Beckett replied, as she lifted her glass and tapped it to his, They both took a sip, then Beckett said,

"You know, I feel fortunate that I started my required therapy sessions with Dr. Burke, my therapist. He made me feel really comfortable and was helpful right from the start. I think that definitely aided in my decision to see if he would be able to help me work through, not only my shooting, but everything that I have kept bottled up since my mom died."

"So, when you told me everything was better than fine, that had something to do with therapy?" Castle asked.

"Yes." she replied, "I saw Dr. Burke a couple of times this week, probably not surprising considering what I was going through. The most recent session was today, after I left the precinct."

She paused for a moment trying to figure out the best way to explain what happened to her today. She took another sip of beer then said,

"This past week was awful, as you know. I felt out of control and beaten down, but the truth is, sometimes you have to hit rock bottom in order to ultimately move forward and I think that's exactly what happened to me this week. In therapy today, I had a breakthrough of sorts and after my session, I felt like I was able to finally turn a corner. I know I have some work ahead of me, but I'm ready, I'm finally ready to figure out how to live my life, out from under the shadow of my mother's murder."

"I can't tell you how happy I am to hear that Kate." Castle told her with a smile.

Hearing him call her Kate, gave Beckett a warm feeling. She returned the smile, then said,

"I feel happy about it as well."

Castle took another sip of his beer, then he put down his glass. He got a quizzical look on his face.

"Can I ask you a question though?" he inquired.

"Sure." Beckett answered.

"Does this mean you are going to completely put your mother's murder behind you? As in, no more pursuing possible leads or things like that?" he asked.

The deal Castle struck, with the mysterious Mr. Smith to keep Beckett safe, weighed heavy on his mind, day in and day out. He would feel a whole lot better, if at some point soon, he could tell Beckett everything, without it sending her on a rampage to find out more information and therefore placing herself in danger once again.

Beckett took a sip of her beer and thought for a second, then said,

"I don't know if i can say that with complete certainly yet, but yes, I would eventually like get to that place."

"I really hope that you are able to." replied Castle.

"I'm working on it." Beckett said, with a small smile.

Their waitress approached the booth.

"Here you go." she said as she placed their food on the table. "Is there anything else I cant get you?" she asked.

Castle glanced at Beckett, then looked back to the waitress,

"I think we are all set for now, thanks." Castle replied.

"Okay then, enjoy," said the waitress, as she turned and walked away.

"Yum." Beckett said, as she stared at the food, "I didn't realize how hungry I was."

"I know," Castle replied with a smile, "Remys has a way of doing that to you."

For the next hour they enjoyed their burgers, shared the fries and ordered two more beers. They tabled the more serious conversation for the moment, in favor of some lighter chat. Castle amused Beckett with some of his best, growing up with Martha Rodgers stories. Beckett revealed a little bit about what she was like when she was younger as well, specifically her "rebel" years and some of the amusing things she got herself into. They exchanged lots of laughs and smiles, just like Beckett had hoped they would. After clearing their plates, they both felt pretty full, but still decided to order Remys famous shakes for desert.

Beckett felt freer then she had in, truthfully, longer then she could remember. She was so grateful that she had finally let her guard down a bit. Calling Castle had been a great decision and she honestly couldn't think of any other way, she would have wanted to spend this evening.

Castle was on cloud nine. What ever this dinner was tonight, date or not, the fact was, he was sitting across from Kate Beckett, sharing food and laughs and good conversation. He could envision what their future might look like, if Beckett would only allow it to happen. This was the most open he had ever seen her and while part of him was reluctant to mess with the vibe they had going, the other part figured, that this was too good of an opportunity to pass up. So after they each enjoyed a few sips of their shakes, he looked at Beckett and asked,

"So, do you recall the conversation we had on the swings that day, you know, after you showed up at my book signing?"

 _Hope you enjoyed chapter 2! Have any thoughts, please feel free to let me know._


	3. Chapter 3

Beckett looked up from her shake.

"Sure." she said cautiously, "I remember."

"You told me that day, that you wouldn't be able to be the kind of person you wanted to be, or have the kind of relationship you wanted to have, until the wall you built up inside, came down." Castle said. He paused for a moment before continuing.

"Given what you told me tonight, about all the work you have done with your therapist and the progress you've made, do you think that wall is coming down?"

Beckett picked up her napkin and wiped her mouth, buying herself a little bit of time, to figure out how to answer him. She knew what he was really asking. She was obviously aware of the fact that Castle loved her and though it had been difficult, to fully admit it to herself, she knew that she loved him too. When she gave him that speech at the swings, it was her convoluted way, of asking him to wait for her, of asking him to wait, until she was capable of having a relationship that would thrive and persevere.

"You know what," she finally said, a little nervously, "I do think that wall has started to come down, but Castle," she paused briefly, "I know I still have a fair amount of work to do, until its completely down, until I'm.…"

"I understand," he interjected, cutting her off.

Beckett didn't try to finish her sentence, looking at him, she could tell there was no need to.

Castle glanced down at his shake. Despite what he witnessed tonight, she obviously wasn't ready yet. He tried to keep his emotions in check, but unfortunately couldn't halt the feelings of disappointment that washed over him. He looked up at Beckett and without thinking, he said,

"So in other words, this is not a date tonight."

As soon as the words left his mouth, Castle instantly regretted saying them. What, was he doing? he asked himself.

Beckett stared at him for a moment, suddenly feeling very uneasy.

"Um….well," she said, stalling.

"You know what Castle, let's…..let's not label anything….okay?" she managed to say.

"Yeah.…alright. I'm sorry." he quickly replied, feeling pretty disappointed in himself, for putting her on the spot like that.

The lovely banter and laughing and joy that they had just been sharing minutes ago, was now replaced by an awkward silence.

"Can you excuse me for a second?" Beckett finally said, "I really need to visit the ladies room."

"Of course," he replied.

Castle stood, as she slipped out of the booth. He watched as she made her way to the back of Remys and disappeared into the ladies room, then he sat back down and pushed his shake aside.

"You're an idiot." he said to himself under his breath.

We were having such a great time together and you had go and ruin things, didn't you, he thought. Castle so desperately wanted to be with her, and getting a taste of what that would actually be like tonight, made him crave a relationship with Beckett, all the more. He thought back to their conversation at the swings. He had been able to read between the lines, that day and was fairly confident he knew what she had been trying to convey to him. He had made the decision, then and there, that he was going to wait for her. He was going wait until she was ready to have the kind of relationship that they both deserved. However tonight, when she invited him to dinner and was talking about the progress she was making in therapy and "everything being better than fine," he felt hopeful that maybe she was actually ready or at least close to it. If only he had just kept those thoughts to himself, at least for the time being. It was a big mistake to press tonight.

He decided that when she returned from the ladies room, he was going to apologize again and try his hardest to recapture some of the magic and fun, that they had shared for most of the evening.

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Once safely inside the ladies room, Beckett took a couple of deep breaths. She felt unhappy about the turn of events. The last thing she wanted to do was hurt Castle, but she also knew that she didn't want to risk starting a romanic relationship with him, before she was absolutely ready to make it work. This night had been so wonderful, and now things between them, seemed awkward and glum. She placed both her hands on the sink and looked at herself in the mirror. She didn't want the past few minutes to taint everything that they shared tonight. There must be some way to salvage the evening, she thought.

There was something that Beckett had been wrestling with for a while now, and as she stared at her reflection, it popped into her head. The secret that she had been keeping from castle since her shooting, was something that was never far from her mind, but lately, she had started to think that maybe it would actually be better, if she told him the truth. When she decided to tell Castle that she had no memory of her shooting, it was honestly, what she felt she needed to do, in the overwhelming situation she found herself in. She was dealing with way to much to be able to properly process what Castle had said to her. She certainly didn't like lying to him, but at the time, she really did think that it would be better, for both of them, if Castle believed she had no memory of what he said. However as she stood in the ladies room of Remys, she realized that wasn't the case anymore.

They had never had a truly direct conversation about their very complicated relationship. The few times they had even come close to discussing the two of them, their exchanges were filled with innuendoes and insinuations, much like the conversation at the swings. Judging from the past few minutes, she knew that this way of communicating, or not really communicating, as it were, simply wasn't working. Maybe the time had come for her to be completely honest with him, and that had to start with her revealing the truth about her shooting. She knew that confessing to Castle would be painful for him at first, but perhaps if she could explain it to him, if he was able to understand everything, from her point of view, then they could conceivably start over with a clean slate. Maybe then, with everything out in the open, they could work together to achieve the goal which, was pretty obvious now, they both had.

If you would have told Beckett a few hours earlier, that she was going to completely open up to castle tonight, she would have never believed you. However, she was now definitely convinced, that that was precisely what needed to happen. Beckett left the ladies room, feeling more nervous, then when she walked in. She took a deep breath, as she approached the booth.

"Hi." she said, as she sat back down.

"Hi." he repeated, then quickly said,

"Listen Beckett, I want to apologize again. This evening has been so amazing, and the last thing I wanted to do was ruin it, but unfortunately it seems, that's exactly what I did."

"No Castle," Beckett said, as she heard the regret in his voice,

"I promise, you didn't ruin anything." she paused briefly then added,

"Honestly, I understand why you have questions."

Castle stared at her.

"You do?" he asked with a surprised expression.

"Yeah, I do." she said, as she tucked a strand of hair behind her ear.

Castle searched her face, waiting for her to continue.

"Hey… do you want to get out of here?" she suddenly asked, switching gears completely. It dawned on her, that a change of scenery would do them both some good, plus it would give her a little more time to work up the courage, she knew she needed.

"The weather's nice tonight." she continued, "might be good to get a little fresh air and walk for a bit. We can continue our conversation then. What do you say?"

"Um sure, okay….that would be good." Castle replied, trying to keep pace with her.

Beckett put her hand up to get their waitress's attention.

Well, at least it seemed like she still wanted to spend some time with him this evening, Castle thought, feeling relieved. He watched her, as she asked the waitress for their check, and wondered what she meant exactly, when she said she "understood why he had questions." He was definitely grateful that their evening was going to continue and hoped that, along with reclaiming some of the the merriment they shared earlier, she would shed a little light on what she meant with that statement.

They received their check, and after a little discussion about who was going to pay for dinner, they finally decided to split it. They payed their bill, thanked their waitress and made their way to the front of Remys. Ever the gentleman, Castle reached out in front of Beckett and opened the door for her.

"Thank-you." she said, as she briefly met his gaze and gave him a little smile.

"Your welcome." he replied.

She stepped through the door, and he followed her, into the crisp, New York City night.

 _Thanks for reading chapter 3! I really hope that you are enjoying the story so far._


	4. Chapter 4

Castle and Beckett walked for a while, making small talk only, they even managed to exchange a laugh or two. As the blocks went by, Castle began to think, that it actually would be alright with him, if they didn't get back to their earlier conversation, tonight. Not that he didn't want to continue it at some point, because he definitely did. However, if Beckett didn't bring it up again, he would be content, to simply share a few more enjoyable, light moments with her, and end the evening on a high note.

Beckett was happy that they were able to recaptured some of the good feelings that they had shared for most of the evening, However she wasn't going to let it deter her. She knew what she wanted to do, and now she just had to figure out how to start the conversation.

As they continued their walk, they passed a toy store, which first opened it's doors in 1958. It had a few going out of business signs in it's window and Beckett stopped short in front of the store.

"Oh no," she said, "Toyland is closing."

She was clearly upset to see the going out business signs.

Castle walked up to the toy store's window and peered inside.

"That's too bad." he agreed, "I came here a few times as a kid, usually after my mother booked a decent paying acting gig, and she felt like spoiling me a little."

He paused for a moment, smiled at the memory, then added,

"You know, I also brought Alexis here a handful of times, when she was little."

He looked over at Beckett and asked,

"Was this the preferred toy store in the Beckett household?"

Beckett nodded her head.

"Yeah, my mom and I had a tradition every year." she said wistfully, "About a month before Christmas, she would bring me to here to look around. I would pick out a few toys and games that seemed the most interesting to me and together we would write my Christmas list to send to Santa. Then before we left the store, she would always have me pick out a bunch of toys, that we would then buy, and to donate to needy children around the holidays.

She paused for a moment, then said with a sad tone,

"I always thought that if I had a child one day, I would start that tradition with them, but I guess if that day ever comes, unfortunately, it won't take place at Toyland."

"I'm sorry." Castle said. He paused for a moment, then added,

"It will be still be special at a different toy store though."

"Yeah," she replied, "Thanks."

Castle gave her a smile and they started walking again, both of them were quiet for about half a block. Castle thought about how adorable, a six year old Beckett must have been, scanning the shelves of Toyland and gathering up information, to put into her letter to Santa.

Beckett tried to put her memories of Toyland away for the moment, and instead she forced herself to focus on the mission at hand. They approached a bakery that was closed for the night. It happened to have a bench out front and Beckett grabbed Castle's arm and asked,

"Hey, do you want to sit for a second?"

"Sure." he answered.

They settled on the bench and Beckett turned toward him and said,

"So Castle, I want you to know, that I understand if this evening was confusing for you. I mean, I call you up, out of the blue, and ask you to have dinner with me and.…"

She paused for a second, and Castle took that opportunity to jump in.

"Beckett, I love that you called me and asked me to meet you for dinner." he said "We're friends after all, and you needed a friend tonight. I'm happy you turned to me. I'm just sorry I messed things up earlier."

Beckett shook her head and replied,

"Like I said at the restaurant, you didn't mess up anything."

She paused again, took a deep breath, then asked,

"Do you know what I think the real problem is?"

"No, what?" he asked, squinting his eyes at her.

"I think the real problem is, that we're not just friends." she said, as her heart started to beat a little faster.

Castle stared at her.

"What...what do you mean by that, exactly?" he asked her.

What did she mean, she thought as she shook her head. Just be direct with him, she told herself.

"You know what Castle, I'm sorry, I am not being very clear. The fact is, there is something that I really need to tell you." Beckett said, trying to get her thoughts in order.

Castle's head was spinning a bit.

"Alright." he said.

She reached over and grabbed his hand and held it between both of hers.

Castle glanced down at his hand encased in hers. What was going on, he thought. Not that he minded her holding his hand, in the least, but it wasn't something that occurred very often. He wasn't sure what to think. He looked up at her again, and asked,

"Beckett, what is this all about?"

"I wasn't honest with you about something, and I think the time has come for me to tell you the truth." she replied.

"Okay then, what weren't you honest about?" he asked pointedly.

Beckett closed her eyes for a moment, trying to summons a bit more courage. Then she opened them, looked at Castle and said,

"When I told you that I had no memory of my shooting, that wasn't the truth."

Her confession hung there between them for a moment, before a suddenly, very serious looking Castle asked,

"Are you saying that you remembered all of it, everything that happened after you got shot?"

"Yes," she said nervously, "I remembered all of it."

She could see hurt and anger take over Castle's face.

"How could you lie to me about that!?" he practically yelled.

He tried to pull his hand away from hers, but she held on to it tightly, not letting him remove it.

"I'm so sorry." she said, "Please, please let me try to explain everything to you."

"What is there to explain Beckett, I told you that I loved you, and you choose to completely ignore it, and then lied to me about it for months." he said angrily.

"Please let go of my hand." he added.

She reluctantly released her grip on his hand and he stood up.

"Wait Castle please," she pleaded, as she stood up too, a few tears in her eyes, "It's not as simple as that. Please just give me the chance to explain to you why I didn't tell the truth. I know I've hurt you, but I promise you, that was never my intension. Please just hear me out, and then if you still want to leave, I won't try to stop you."

He was hurt and angry. Part of him really wanted to walk away, but as he looked over at a distraught Beckett, pleading with him to stay, he just couldn't. He took a deep breath, slowly sat back down on the bench and simply said,

"Explain."

"Thank-you." Beckett said, as she sat down again. She took a deep breath as well, and thought for a second, then said,

"Well, I guess the best place to start, is to try to explain to you my experience, of the time in between the moment I got shot and when I lost consciousness."

Those moments she was referring to, had been terrifying for Castle, but now, knowing that she remembered them too, he couldn't even image how terrifying they must have been for her.

"I heard you call out my name, just as I felt a searing pain in my chest." she began. "You grabbed me and we fell to the ground. I didn't realized for a few seconds that I had been shot. All I knew was that I was in an immense amount of pain and it was incredibly hard for me to breath. I looked up at your face and you looked very upset and then I heard you asking me to stay with you, not to leave you and I realized what had happened. I could feel myself slipping away and I started to panic, but I couldn't move. The only thing I could do was look at you. I saw your eyes fill with tears and then I heard you say that you loved me. You said it a second time and then everything went black."

She paused for a moment before continuing.

"I thought I was about to die Castle, but I heard your words, your beautiful words, and they comforted me, in what I honestly thought, were my final moments on earth."

Castle closed his eyes for a moment. He still felt very upset, but couldn't help thinking about what that must have been for her, to feel that your own death was imminent. It was hard to imagine. He opened his eyes and said,

"I'm grateful that my words were a comfort to you in that moment. I can't even comprehend what that must have been like for you. I know it was horrifying for me to see your life slipping away. I felt utterly helpless, and all I could do in that moment, was finally tell you how much you meant to me."

Beckett reached for Castle's hand again and he didn't try to pull it away. Instead he glanced down briefly at their hands and then looked back up at Beckett and asked sadly,

"So, why did you decide to tell me you didn't remember anything?"

Beckett saw the pain in his eyes and knew that this was going to be the difficult part to explain. She cleared her throat, thought for a second, then said,

"When I woke up after surgery, I felt completely overwhelmed and confused about what had just happened to me. My memory was actually a little hazy at first, but as the shooting itself came into focus, a million things ran through my head. Among the most significant, was the fact that someone had just tried to murder me and had actually come extremely close to accomplishing their mission. Also, there was the fact, that the person who shot me, was almost certainly connected in some way, to my mother's murder. It was quite a bit to try to wrap my head around, especially in the state I was in. Of course, the other very significant piece of information that ran through my head, was that you had told me you loved me."

"And how did you feel about it?" Castle asked matter-of-factly.

"When I initially remembered your words, they gave me butterfly's Castle. However, if I'm being completely honest, they also made me very nervous." she said. "At the time, I had Josh hovering over me, non stop. My emotions were all over the place and I felt more vulnerable, then I could ever remember feeling. When I thought about you professing those three little words, it was truthfully, difficult for me to fully process. I'm not saying that your words were insignificant to me, because the opposite was true. They were extremely significant to me, but Castle, in the state I was in, I just wasn't ready to hear them. Because of that, I wasn't able to deal with them properly."

Beckett paused for a moment and took a deep breath. Then she said,

"I don't know if I'm doing a very good job of explaining this to you."

"I think I'm beginning to get the picture." Castle said.

Beckett still saw the hurt and sadness in his face and said,

"Castle, when you walked into my hospital room and I told you that I didn't remember, it was because, at the time, I truthfully wasn't capable of of having an honest discussion with you, about what you said to me. I didn't want to hurt you, and I desperately needed to give myself some time and space to heal. I needed to work through everything that had just happened to me, not to mention, sort out my own, very real feelings as well." She paused for a moment then added,

"If you recall, I broke up with Josh a couple of weeks later."

"What, you're saying the break-up was because of me?" Castle asked.

Beckett took a deep breath.

"Yes." she said, "I mean, don't get me wrong, there were plenty of problems with our relationship, but for me, the most significant problem, was the fact that I had feelings for you."

She saw Castle's face soften significantly and continued,

"I hated lying to you Castle, but trust me, I did it because I wanted to be able to get to a place in my life, where I could accept your love fully and return it freely, without sabotaging everything. That is what I want, and that is the goal I continue to work towards."

Beckett took a beep breath, the significance of what she just said to Castle, started to sink in and she closed her eyes briefly.

As he listened to her words, Castle felt his heart swell. It was hard to believe this was actually happening. His mind was going a mile a minute, as he tried to process everything that she had just revealed to him, in the past fifteen minutes. It was quite a bit to try and wrap his head around.

"Kate," he finally said softly, as he put his other hand on top of hers. She looked at him, and he said,

"I want you to know, that I get it. I understand, I really do."

Beckett felt an overwhelming sense of relief wash over her. After months of carrying around this secret, she had finally told Castle the truth and he understood. She had also just revealed the depths of her feelings for him, and not only did it feel, positively right to her, the look of absolute joy, that she now saw on Castle's face, was priceless.

She smiled at him, as he continued,

"I know, from everything you've told me tonight, that this is your journey of healing, but if it's okay, I would like to be right beside you, helping you reach your goal in any way that I can."

A few happy tears welled up in Beckett's eyes.

"It's more than okay," she said, "and Castle, you have already helped me, so much more than you know." She paused for a moment, then added,

"I promise you, that I will get there soon, we, will get there soon."

Castle lifted one of his hands off of hers and brought it up to her face. He lightly traced her cheekbone with his thumb, then gently held the side of her face. They gazed into each others eyes, more intensely then ever before, and that's saying quite a bit, because they had been locking eyes with each other, since the day they met.

"I know we aren't venturing down this path quite yet," Castle said, "but would…"

Beckett didn't wait for him to finish his question, instead, she leaned forward and pressed her lips to his. She wrapped her arms around him and he pulled her body close, and for about a minute or so, they allowed themselves the pleasure of getting lost in each others lips and embrace. Three and a half years of want and desire and yes, love, came pouring out of each of them. Then, showing extraordinary restraint, they slowly separated. They both attempted to catch their breath, as they pressed their foreheads together for a few moments.

"To be continued." Castle finally said, as he pulled back a bit, so he could look at her.

"Oh yeah," Beckett agreed, still a little breathless, "to be continued for sure." she added, as she flashed him one of her captivating smiles.

For the first time, in a very long time, Beckett felt virtually unencumbered. She felt a sense of happiness that had been absent from her life, for such a long time. She had completely opened up to Castle and told him the truth, about everything, and it was thoroughly liberating. Becoming the person she wanted to be and having the kind of relationship that they both deserved, was her end goal, and it was finally in sight. She almost felt like she did when she was eighteen years old, before tragedy and anger and pain and walls, entered her life.

Castle felt his heart flip once again, at sight of her amazing smile. Any feelings of hurt that he had experienced minutes ago, were completely gone and forgotten. This was the woman he had waited his entire life for. Now he finally had confirmation, that she wanted to be with him too. After all the uncertainly he felt regarding their relationship, he now knew for sure, that they had a future together and even the writer in him, would have a hard time describing how amazing it felt. He took a deep breath as an unpleasant thought suddenly dawned on him. He knew, that if they were going to move forward, with complete honesty between them, that he was going to have to tell Beckett about Mr. Smith soon. He just hoped that when he did, she would understand, and he would be able to convince her, that nothing was worth risking the happiness that lay ahead of them. He pushed the thought out of his mind for now. That was something to be dealt with on another day. Right now, he didn't want anything to detract from the joy and hopefulness, that they were both feeling. He touched her knee gently and asked,

"So, do you feel like walking a little more?" then added, "It really is a beautiful night."

Beckett nodded her head.

"Yeah," she said, "That would be nice."

Castle stood up and offered Beckett his arm. She stood up and draped her arm though his. Together they started walking, at long last, blissfully aware, of the direction they were headed.

The end.

 _A/N: Thank you so much for reading "Renewal." I sincerely hope that it brought you some enjoyment! Reviews are always welcome and appreciated._


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